Build Relationships At Work Through Your Strengths – With Jason Treu

So, today, you'll get some ideas on how to make career transitions, and how to increase your success through the relationships you nurture. And you'll get to do all of this with Jason Treu.

So, Jason is the author of a book called Social Wealth. And just like the title implies, the wealth part, it's not about the blinky kind of currency. It's about building extraordinary relationships. And that's why it's social wealth. So Jason, thanks for joining!

Jason: [0:51] Well, thanks for having me on, Lisa, in speaking to your fantastic tribe.

Lisa: [0:56] They are fantastic. Yes. And as you know, these fantastic people are all about exploring their strengths, how to find them, leverage them, and what it's like, what your life is like when you do that. So let's give them just a little glimpse of your life before getting into your expertise.

So think about your life and a peak experience or a peak moment where you can think about when you are in your relationship flow. And can you tell us about what that was like for you?

Jason: [1:27] Well, before I found the job that I have now being business and executive coach, I was working as a marketing executive. And I noticed that when I was on the road and doing road shows with my usually my CEO of the company, I was worth, you know, I'd be on fire, I would just be so passionate, because I'd be speaking to different people. We'd be evangelizing to whether it's financial analysts, or media, or customers, or whatever it is, and I just be loving it. Right.

And that was when I was in my peak. Because connecting and blogging are my core emotions, are my top emotions. And so, having that ability to connect and feel that belonging and be passionate about speaking and evangelizing was something that really got me excited in my life.

Lisa: [2:10] Hmm. And I love that you know, that the connecting and belonging matters for you, how did you find those values? And how did? How have you come to that, to determine that those matter that much to you?

Jason: [2:25] Well, one of the things is finding your purpose. So, people typically mix up a mission statement with a purpose because they say to themselves, “well, my purpose is to help entrepreneurs or help, you know, my clients do better work”, or whatever it is. But that's something external to you, and everything external to you will let you down.

So if you have your purpose outside of yourself, what happens with people is they go through some precipitated crashes in their life, because eventually, when that purpose lets you down, whether it's something you've unconsciously made, or consciously, you really go through some significant trauma. But if your purpose is inside of you, you don't, and when you attach it to emotion, and your top emotions and figure that out, life really opens up for you. And how you really do that as an exercise?

You know, you go back and recall, you know, your earliest happiest memories in your life. And from those you can extract your emotions that are in each of those memories. And then ask yourself, which emotion would you rather feel? And you can really uncover that. And what's really great about that, is that although your age, you will want your different experiences will be different, the structure and form of that emotions will not.

And so then we can say to yourself, “Am I living my emotion? Am I living my purpose?” And that's, it's a little bit more than that. But that's really an easy way of taking a look at it for someone, so to see what they're doing, right? Because the problem for me and my job before was, I was great when I was connecting and belonging, but I was more….as I was going up the corporate ladder, I was sitting in my office more and more about myself. And I was dissatisfied more and more. So, I realized, at some point, I connected the dots and realize, well, I'm better with people, and I mean with people all the time, and not just part of the time.

Lisa: [4:05] Yeah. And you're hitting on a topic and getting into things like emotion. I love that you brought that up, you know, straight away here because a lot of people shy away from that and the corporate space, and they're afraid to talk about it or use that word. And I think that one thing that's important is, “Hey, there are a lot of emotions that go well beyond the Hallmark kind of emotions.”

I mean, you might go through that exercise and recount all of the times where you just felt jubilant because you were riding your bike faster than anyone else on your street, or because you want to track me or something like that. And you can start tracing back those and those are emotions too. Yeah, so that's cool to hear that terminology in this context, because a lot of people shy away from it.

Jason: [4:53] Yeah, and I think the great thing about it I have a client of mine, is a CEO of a large company here in Dallas, and he is extremely on emotional pain. His father was in the police force in Boston area. And you know, they never showed emotion. And I went through exercises like that earlier on with him. And you know, probably like a month ago, when I was working with him about three months, he's like, I got to tell you story. And I'm like, okay, and he was like he told me he dropped off his daughter at summer camp. And as he drove away, he cried for the first time in 25 years, wow. And he felt so good.

And the ability, he said, the ability for him to actually open up to people, be more vulnerable, be authentic, speak his truth, and be generous, has transformed his ability to lead, manage and actually run his entire organization, which is a very large company. And I thought that, you know, that's a really critical thing. Because when you're not in touch with your emotions, you don't understand what drives you. You really become lost because you're, you can't connect other people because people don't buy facts and figures. They buy emotions and buying could mean anything, any party organization, right? It's everyone selling something right and idea, a thought or to a client, partner, supplier, etc.

Lisa: [6:09] Yeah, and let's so let's talk about that part where you get into the other. So building relationships, it's great if you can feel your own emotions, and also watch what other people are feeling because it's going to inform you about how your connection so…okay, one of your key principles I've heard you talk about is that your career potential, your success happens because of your relationships with other people.

So, give us a tip on making the brand new connections and not feeling awkward about it.

Jason: [6:40] Right. So, the building blocks of any relationships are rapport, likeability and trust. And how you build a relationship quickly, or you can take an existing relationship significantly farther, is on the rapport side. You have to start tapping into people's emotions, because emotions are what runs people. That's why they do everything that they do. So I find that people ask questions to other people that are just surface level questions. You know, “Where do you work?”, “What are you doing?”, “How's your weekend?”. And that's fine. But if you never get any farther than surface level, you will never really get to know a person.

And that's going to hurt you in your career. Because people make promotion decisions, they give you money, they do everything, because they like you. And the more passionate they feel about you, the more they're going to advocate for you in anything that they do.

So, an easy way to ask this, and I, I've done this to strangers all the time, is I asked people, “what are you passionate about?”, “What projects are you working on that you're passionate about?” In fact, I did that a month ago to a woman. I was at a charity event and I asked her, you know, “what, what are you passionate about?” And she told me she's passionate about, you know, cancer charity events. And I was like, well, gee, that's awesome. I am too. And my mom had leukemia, and I told a story about how she almost died, and etc. And, you know, this woman just lit up, she and she told me a story about her sister having breast cancer. And literally a couple minutes later, she was crying, and I'm sitting there and I gave her a hug. And, you know, she introduced me to her friends, like this is the greatest guy, you got to meet him.

And so we carried on a conversation and all that my conversation between me and her was less than 10 minutes, right? And I created an emotional connection at that point that I could have done anything else. And on top of that, what you do then, is you ask a person, “will you need any help with that?”. “Are you having any challenges around that passion in your life?” And then you can actually help people with the things they actually care about the most. And if you can do that, people will do anything for you. Right? Because one, if you lead with giving people know that you don't have a scorecard, and the only people that don't have scorecards with them are people in their inner circle, the closest people to them. And also, there's a thing called the law of reciprocity, meaning people don't like to get things too far out of whack typically. So when someone gives the other person many times, will at least give back and match that in that relationship and get back to even so either way. You can get pretty far and take relationships pretty quickly or take existing ones and really move them forward quickly.

Lisa: [9:12] Yeah. So okay, there's a situation that I keep hearing happening with the audience. And they will, by what you're saying, and when it comes to their peers, and where they get tripped up, is with exact...like senior executives that they want to build a relationship with but for some reason, the hierarchy gets this thing all out of whack for them.

So, let's say because you mentioned promotional opportunity, and that's what prompted me to think about this, I keep hearing it where suddenly people feel more awkward. Or they feel that the opener that they might be pushing strangely if they come in and they're trying to make emotional connections. So, when somebody is approaching a senior executive they don't yet know, who would be in a promotional power kind of situation, or even just a org chart kind of power situation in their company, what would you do if anything that's different? Or would you do it totally the same? ‘Say you’re nervous around that person. How do you work through that? What's your first step?

Jason: [10:14] Well, I think I realized they're human beings too. And they're….in having a connection with me, them understands. You need to understand. You have to learn about them, right? And business is not the only defining thing, their personal life really is and what their passions are. So, I think a great thing is, I ask people all the time is, ‘what did you do this weekend?’, ‘what's on your agenda for the week?’ Right? Something like that. So I can try to find some things that they might really like that I can find some common ground to build rapport quickly with them, right?

Lisa: [10:44] Right.

Jason: [10:44] Especially if I don't have very much time, because at least you can build some quick rapport with that. The other thing that you can do is some more technique and mirroring and matching them. Which means and that's a very powerful way because most communication is nonverbal.

So, you can if you mirror how someone is, speaks the tone of their voice, if it's high or low, if they're animated, or not animated, on the space in between them, and make sure you have the proper space. And if you can actually match their movements a little bit, you don't need to be like mirroring every possible thing. But the more that you can do, the more helpful it will be because people like people that are like themselves or like people that they want to be like.

So, you need to build that rapport on both sides of it, the verbal and nonverbal, because then it's a way quicker way to build a relationship that matters for them, right, and how they see you and view you. Because people make snap decisions really quickly. So, you want to go in there and do that. And plus, most people are not really interested in the other person, right? Or they're trying to ask them business questions, or they're trying to, you know, get it, they're trying to an angle. And when you try to do that the other person knows because again, most of communication is nonverbal.

So, people know, when you're trying to get something from them. Or you're trying to run your own agenda on them. I go in it with just trying to be. I tried to go on with a contribution mindset, like how can I help someone else? And how can I get to know them? Right? And that is what I'm always acting like in everything that I do when everyone I meet?

Lisa: [12:16] Yeah, I love those. And I like the weekend one because it's easy, it's repeatable. I mean, if you give someone that tip alone, and they go ask, you know, five people that same question, then they have something also to follow up and take the conversation beyond later. Because you can say, “hey, how'd your triathlon go that weekend?”, or, “how was your son's play?” And then it feels future conversations as well. And then on the mirroring part, and one of the simplest of all of those is the kind of the pace and the tone of that person. So that's an easy one, if someone can't take a, if it's too much mentally to handle having all sorts of things to watch for just the pace of their conversation, trying to match that and bring it up a level or down a level can really be helpful.

Jason: [13:05] The other thing to do too, is that if you know, something, I think often we don't do is trying to do that little bit extra, like, perhaps you find out when their birthday is. And you know, you give them a card, right? Or perhaps that you decide to get a book and just buy a book and you know, write a little note saying, ‘I thought you might like this book’. And you know what, you may not even know what they like.

But if you go find a business book that you really enjoy, odds are that person will and even if they never even read it, the fact that you were thoughtful and did something like that, you're immediately going to stand out, because you know what, no one does that. I've talked to senior execs all over the place. I've asked him that question, because I bring people books, no. And I asked him,

‘So when's the last time someone's brought you book?’

‘Never.’

Lisa: [13:46] Never?

Jason: [13:47] Never, you know. And that's the question that's almost always the answer, ‘never’. Or will be someone that they know really, really well on, so if you're an organization, you want to stand out. Why would you not do something like that, because it's a $10 investment in your future. And it's an easy thing to do for other people. And it's, you know, you won't ever be wrong, because someone will least appreciate the thought. And that's what matters the most.

Lisa: [14:09] Yes. And it could really go well as an opportunity to notice something that you appreciate about their leadership style, where if you read this and say, ‘Hey, I, when I read this, I thought of you.’ It's almost as if you contribute it as an author, and then they realize, of course, they like the generosity and that you thought of them and that you would, you know, get grab a book for them. All of that is great. And you noticed something that they're doing well, and you're reinforcing their strengths. And just because they are, you know, higher level in the org chart than you are at that point, doesn't mean they don't like to be appreciated as well. And those things are…. they stick in the memory.

Jason: [14:47] Yeah, because often it’s a pretty lonely existence, because my clients that are at that level, you know, they have no one to talk to, right, because they have a board over them or they're on the board and the people on the leadership team like you know, that's a difficult challenging conversations. They can share something but people below in the organization they really can't, right?

So they're often very alone and lonely in that role. And so they want people to actually embrace them. And I think the way to do that, as we've been talking about today and realize that they're not sitting on some high mountain, and they want to be a part of something else in the organization itself, is just filling a role that makes it many times very challenging to do so.

Lisa: [15:25] Yeah. So, I like how this topic is really getting into almost a feeling of being a magnetic person. And in a lot of ways, you're doing that by offering that same sentiment out to someone else. And I think you've gone as far as calling it irresistible, like you believe anybody could be irresistible. So, for a lot of people, when they hear that term, that feels way far away from where they are today.

So, what are a couple of steps that, let's just start with the first one, what do you do out of the gates when you don't feel like an irresistible person? You want to build better relationships at work with all the people around you. Get us a starting point.

Jason: [16:08] Listen. You know, very few people actually listen, how many people do you know are thinking about the answer? And everyone listening? Ask yourself, how many times are you really listening to someone or you finding the answer in your head before they finish the sentence? Right? And I think being an active listener is one of the skill sets that seems so simple, and like, ‘oh, yeah, how can they make a difference?’ But it makes all the difference in the world because when you actually listen to someone, and give them positive feedback, it's amazing what can happen, right?

And be an active listener along the way. Because, you know, they have feelings, too, and they have emotions. And I think that's something that is really important to do in the process. The other thing is just be excited to be passionate and be enthusiastic you know. I mean, they've proven that happiness and enthusiasm is contagious. So, you can actually change someone's state right in front of you by being happy, enthusiastic, and being excited. And I do it all the time and approve it out.

My friends, where I go anywhere, when I do anything, I've done it all the time in organization. I'm, I go in, and I've high-fived people, and it's wonderful, right? If I see a client's really down, I get always more exciting, and I'll high-five them, or I'll do something just because I want to get them excited. You know what, instantaneously their state changes. And if you're around and doing something like that with people, that's amazing.

I think the other thing is what we don't do is actually share vulnerable moments with other people. And we don't really tell them about ourselves, we try to be perfectly perfect instead of imperfectly perfect. And when you actually are vulnerable and authentic with people, you make it okay for them to be themselves around you because they don't need to worry about being perfect. So, I love to lead with being vulnerable and telling stories about things that are going on in my own life or things that are not going well. So, I can actually create a level of, it's not even beyond rapport, it's that emotional connection as a human being and what's going on and people struggles right?

And that again, right, then you can listen to what they're saying. And you don't solve it. You don't, you know, you don't need to come up with a solution or try to fix it. All you need to do is be empathetic and listen, right? And a lot of times, that's the best thing, because sometimes when you're offering solutions and trying to help people, people look at it as you're not really listening. You're trying to fix them.

Lisa: [18:23] Yeah, I love the phrase, perfectly imperfect too. And that sharing that stuff is, it's not about the thing itself, it's that you're willing to share the story and that you've become human to them. And then you get the emotional connection. And the listen thing. Let's back up to that. Because, boy, this is big. And there are many factors. There's obviously the huge number of distractions that people have that keep them from listening. And then when I've been around people or trying to listen better, I've also noticed that one thing that's missing from the equation is actually acknowledging back that they actually heard what the person said.

I mean, they might be watching, they might be hearing the words, yet kind of to that point of pre-planning what you're going to say next. Even if they're trying to focus intently, just bringing the conversation through instead of it being choppy, you know, you're saying your part, I'm saying my part. So, I think that's another good step, it’s acknowledging, “oh, I loved…”. Oh, okay, here's a perfect example. Let's get real meta here. When you said perfectly imperfect, and I said, “Oh, I love that phrase - perfectly imperfect.” This is a small way of listening and paraphrasing what you said yet.

Jason: [19:38] Yeah.

Lisa: [19:38] It's, it's at least acknowledging I heard that and I made some meaning out of it. And let's break it down a little bit more.

 

Jason: [19:45] Yes. And that's the important point - if you can bring part of what their content of what they just said to you back into your first statement, and or two, that will make the other person feel like they've been heard, and that you actually listen to them, because otherwise you wouldn't have been able to do it. And that's like, that's what they call active listening, right, versus

Lisa: [20:05] Yes.

Jason: [20:06] versus trying to get…versus focusing on what you're going to say, and getting out what you need, and not just asking them a question, not because you want to hear what they have to say, but more because you want to get your point made.

Lisa: [20:18] Exactly. And I noticed something that in the way that you hold a conversation, personally, that you say a lot of “yes, and”, not literally yet you do a lot of “yes AND”-ing. And that can be another great one. And listening that you're modeling is, instead of saying, sometimes you're going to disagree with somebody and instead of jumping right in with your defense, or your butts or your other way to view things you can say, “Yes, I see where you're coming from on x, AND, here's another way we could also consider it. And that is a way to throw in another perspective without shutting down what that person said, and I love how you've been modeling that here.

Jason: [21:02] Yeah, it's important thing, “yes, and”. And the other thing too, for managers out there, I think is really helpful to do is, when someone comes to you with a problem or a challenge, you just spend 5%, on the challenge, and making sure you define specifically what it is, but 95% of the solution. And what I tell people all the time is when someone comes into your office or your cube or wherever it may be, and ask a question, you should ask back.

Okay, well, ‘what are, what are three suggestions to solve this problem?’ Right? Or, ‘what are a couple ways that you believe they could solve the problem?’

And if they say to you, ‘well, I don't really know.’ Then I say to them, ‘well, if you did know, what would you say?’ And if the person continually doesn't give an answer, saying, ‘well, you know what, come back when you have some things or some ways that you think you could possibly solve it, right? And it doesn't have to be right. But I want to know that you actually have thought this through more.

And you force people, it's like fishing, right? If you teach people to fish, they can continually do that. But if you give them the fish, they'll always need your help. And when people walk away and have that conversation, and they've solved their own problem, they feel smarter, and they feel like, ‘wow, like that's awesome!’ Like, ‘I can do this on my own, right?’

And that's a really powerful way, again, to build an irresistible brand for yourself with other people, because people want to be around with people because you're lifting them up. Right? You're helping them. And it's a fantastic way. And very few people do that most managers give the solution. They say, ‘Well, no, that's not right. Do it this way.’ Right?

Well, the other person then feels like they walked away and that they're broken, or they did the wrong way. Because the manager didn't take the time, which would have helped the manager have a better relationship and the employee be way more motivated and proactive moving forward, because they're excited about being in a learning environment where, you know, they're…. where being wrong isn't penalized. What's being wrong is not having any thought or any idea in not communicating it forward.

Lisa: [22:58] And it's such a fun skill to practice as a manager, because it's actually easier to ask back. And the tendency is, “Okay, well, yeah, I have an idea in my mind. I could offer up this advice.” And instead of doing that, I love how you did the three options. That's cool, too, because the person who's coming in with a problem, they might have an idea of a solution, they probably feel stuck, but they have a solution that they don't love yet, or else they are they would have taken action and started solving it. So, to say, ‘what are a few options?’, it gets them feeling open enough that they could throw out bad options amidst good options, and then work through them. So that's a really cool too.

Jason: [23:37] And if you're a manager, what you can say back, let's say someone throws out an idea, and you're like, ‘well, that's not really right’, you could say to someone, you know, ‘I definitely could see how you could think that that would be an option.’ Right? And you know, and then you can sort of guide them by asking another question, ‘well, have you ever thought or considered, you know, doing X, Y or Z? Right? And you can lead them down the path by asking them questions and having the other person then give answers back, right, and guiding them through question sets to get to the answer, right?

Lisa: [24:07] Right.

Jason: [24:08] …and then and then you can say to them,

‘See, you knew the answer, right? I may have had to help guide you a little bit but all along, you had the answer inside of you. So, you know, I want you to continually start looking inside of yourself because you're smart, motivated, intelligent individual. And you can do anything you want if you set your mind to it, right? And I helped you a little bit along this process but now, you see that you could do this yourself, right? So, I'll be excited next time when you come to me. And we go through this process and we see how much quicker you're going to get to the solution.’

Lisa: [24:37] And that...

Jason: [24:37] What is something that was way more motivating, someone who’s walked out of an office like that, or someone who’s been told the answer? What do you think is going to motivate and get people excited? Agree?

Jason: [24:38] Right, obviously the second one and it also, if you tie this to strengths, it's such a beautiful way to have a conversation because everybody problem solves a little differently. We have different thoughts, patterns of thoughts and behaviors and that influences how we solve problems and how we process what's going on around the world. So, when you, as a leader, ask somebody else, how they're thinking through the issue, you're helping them use their strengths to solve the problem, and you're also learning how they think. And then you're learning how to lead in a way that supports that person individually. So, it does so much beyond even just getting the answer to the problem. It really does help you individualize your style to that person.

Jason: [25:30] Yeah, I think it's really important. And, you know, the last thing for managers to, I think it's important to really understand your employees, understand where they're at because, you know, one of the challenges I've been finding, I was just doing some sales training a few weeks ago, and I was talking to people and I was doing more inner work than I was doing actual, you know, strengths that they would be using in the external world, what I found people were coming to me, marital problems, some people had abuse, other things that had gone on in their life. And this is the things that were holding them back.

So, I think, we've got to realize that when people walk into a business or organization or work remotely, or whatever they're going to do, they don't leave their personal life at the door. It goes with them. So, you have to get to know people. You have to understand what people are doing. And you have to support them and be empathetic, and possibly even get them help because that's affecting their work performance and affecting the bottom line.

And if you try to gloss over that, you're missing a huge opportunity to uplift people, and really improve the bottom line because people who are more happy and motivated, work harder. Because when you are in a negative mindset, or sad or frustrated or angry, with the first thing you go is self-discipline, in momentum and motivation. It's the, it goes every time. That's why when, I know you've heard this before, people say well, I'm not motivated. I'm not this, I'm not that. Well, you know, one, if you get happy, excited, or really joyful in your life, you're going to be more motivated. The other thing is you got to take action in your life, but you're less likely to take action when you're in a negative place.

Lisa: [27:01] Yes, yeah. And there are stats from Gallup that they've put out and have studied this really deeply. And those who focus on their strengths and focus on what's right about them in the workplace, are six times as engaged with their work. So, it's a significant difference in the way that you feel.

Jason: [27:20] Yeah, I think that's how you find out your strengths. A lot of the times too, is you know, you've got to help people figure those out, and see where their challenges are, as well, right, and help them with their own blind spots and weak, weak spots, and help them alleviate those or, you know, bring those

Lisa: [27:35] work around it

Jason: [27:37] work around it, right, and figure those out. And I think that these are ways for you as a manager, and also to manage up. And you can see that in other people as well, once you get more in tune with them in emotional level and start connecting with them, and they've done all these studies that the managers today that are succeeding, the people they succeeding are vulnerability, authenticity, are the key leadership traits. Because end of the day, that's what influences other people, and that's what creates charisma, that's what creates persuasion, End of the day that creates leadership.

Lisa: [28:09] Hmm. So, I know a lot of people are going to want to get their hands on Social Wealth, because they'll be thinking about the charisma and building their leadership and building those relationships skills. So, for everybody who wants to get more of Jason, where can they find you? Where can they find your book and how can they dig into your stuff?

Jason: [28:28] So you can go to beextraordinary.tv - that's bextraordinary.tv. It's all one word. And you can find my coaching. There's tons of free guides on branding, networking, you know, how to email busy people. There's tons of things on self-development as well and there's stuff on my coaching as well there. And then you can go there, also to Amazon to get my book and audio book.

Lisa: [28:53] Wonderful. And that is called Social Wealth.

Jason: [28:57] Yes.

Lisa: [28:58] So, thanks so much for joining Jason. This has been really cool. Look at relationships and emotional connections.

Jason: [29:06] Well, thanks a lot, Lisa. I appreciate the opportunity to speak with you and your audience. And you know, they're all fantastic and just go out and take on the world.

Lisa: [29:14] Yes, and to everyone out there, thanks for listening to Lead Through Strengths. Remember, using your strengths makes you a stronger performer at work. And if you're always focused on fixing your weaknesses, you're choosing the path of most resistance. So, get out there and claim your talents and share them with the world.